you're still young, that's your fault, there's so much you have to go through.

in an hour. i will know.
this is my new life, and as i walked down the street, i congratulated myself on the fact that this is the one i had chosen.
it was not easy,
and in fact this whole time, i have been trying to maintain integrity. it has not gone very well. i feel as if there is no place for me wherever i've been.
i stopped in to his job today, he was hunched over the computer in a deli apron, wearing my simon and garfunkel hat. he looked foolish, but i let myself be happy to see him. i haven't seen him in a long time, each time further and further apart through no fault of my own. and they are always only a few minutes at a time. it's sad, i am sad for that.
my mother is on the way now, i think she's nervous about this. i have gone to doctor's appointments and things alone since i was 17. i am afraid, but for different reasons i'm sure, than she is.
i have stopped trying to hide the fact now, just saying yes when people ask, letting them see my stomache. for the first time in my life, i looked into a mirror and saw myself. i didn't see fat, i didn't see abnormal; this time i saw different, i saw me there naked, turned sideways carrying a moderate bulge. and so i can accept it now.
walking through all of this, i have been alone. it has been hard, people say things with good intentions, but they are just that. margaret bought 2 baby blankets for me, they are lovely. anabell wants me to move in with her. she is so strangely nice, so innocent and good intending, but i don't want to make her uncomfortable. i need to leave keya's house soon though. i am not doing well there, feel much calmer when i am not there. i wish i could say that i am happy and unburdened and greatful that she is doing this... which i guess i am in a way, but it isn't working out. i can't live like that. so close to people who are all so distant from each other in dark oppression. my eyes and heart are suffering.
i also don't like being in such close proximity of mario. i feel vulnerable there. i feel like i could wait, andy maybe he would come and make amends, evn though i know that isn't true. i saw him today, i've been wanting to be near him. all he said was, come back later. i'm busy.


i'm headed down to the hospital, getting ready. mentally. i'm so scared right now, and it suprises me that i'll even admit that. i feel this helplessness on me, and i can't get it off, no matter what i do. she is late, but coming. we are on the road to find out.

live to disappoint
lie to love

cold feet &
miss trust

dirty dream

she was buried under the dirt, trusting a voice that was not mine, or anyone's i knew. dhe was told to do this daily, this burial, and the world would be greatly improved. i did not believe. i tried to talk her out of it, but she was so glad to help. into the ground, in a filthy basement.
i watched once, and as she came up i was afraid. her skin was cold and she was pale. "i feel old," she said. i told her, see, you couldn't breathe and it's wet. what if you get pnuemonia? she wanted to try again, with a different set-up.
the voice belonged to a young girl with long hair. she said she was our sister, but i did not believe. how could a sister bury her own without another thought, and even encourage it?
i watched the girl, let her bury my sister (i couldn't stop them), and pretended to get in a shower. the other girl did the same. but i got out and went to her shower. it was empty and the doors to the basement were all open. the girl was on top of where my sister was buried, and she was stealing her life. i wanted to kill her, but i needed to get my sister first.
i uncovered her and told her what had been happening. she looked so old, the girl so young.